


IM Strong

by Starlight1395



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Mental Breakdown, Past Abuse, Pre-debut, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-07 01:36:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14070063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Changkyun understood why he was ignored. He was a cheater - he cheated by entering the competition when he did, and not only that but he took the place of someone who deserved it more than him. So he understood why he was hated, but that didn't stop him from trying to get better because maybe then he would be accepted.What started out as a simple message soon turned into something far more serious than anyone thought. They could only pray that they aren't too late to reverse the damage already dealt to their youngest.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, another fic where CHangkyun is hurting? It's almost like I thrive off angst...  
> This will probably only be three or four chapters, with updates every other day or so!

“I belong here,” Changkyun murmured to himself quietly. “I earned my spot just like the rest of them.”

But the words felt fake. No matter how many times he told himself that, Changkyun still felt out of place. He felt like a cheater.

“Ten minutes.” Hyunwoo called into the room before abruptly leaving again. Changkyun pushed himself off the twin mattress farthest from the door and took a deep breath before rushing out the dorm. Last time he had made them late, the others ‘conveniently’ forgot to call him to dinner. Had it not been for Jooheon not finishing his own plate, the youngest would have gone hungry.

The trip to the practice rooms was silent, as usual. No one was truly awake, other than Changkyun. He always made sure to wake up early so as not to upset anyone despite always staying up late to practice one thing or another. No one commented on the bags under his eyes, or how they seemed to look more like bruises as the days passed.

Changkyun felt himself slipping into an inbetween state, where he was awake but not able to focus on anything and quickly shook his head. He needed to be aware of his surroundings if he was going to survive this. He would wait until everyone was asleep before slipping into that same state of half conscious, as he usually did.

“Come on boys, we have a long day ahead of us.” Said their manager as they piled out of the van. Changkyun felt his heart sink. Long days meant double sessions – vocals and dance – which meant being stuck in a room with Jooheon, practicing raps while the others went for their own vocal lessons separately.

It wasn’t that that he disliked Jooheon. If anything, Changkyun was more fond of the second youngest than anyone else, but that didn’t mean much when the person in question seemed to hate his guts. Jooheon barely acknowledged him, and when he did he was met with curt sentences and annoyed looks.

Changkyun didn’t blame Jooheon, though. He understood why the other rapper – the rest of the band – treated him the way they did. He deserved it – he cheated after all. He cheated by showing up halfway though and taking the place of someone who actually deserved to be there. He came in without doing the same amount of work that others had done and still managed to make it. He was a cheat and a fake. He just hoped that maybe one day, they would see that he was trying his best.

One look at the other rapper’s face and Changkyun realized there was no use in holding his breath.

* * *

  
_“Hit me,_ ” Changkyun begged silently. _“Punch me, or yell at me. Anything. Please.”_

He watched as Kihyun gently prodded at his ankle. Changkyun had gone right instead of left and tripped the older boy, causing him to twist his ankle. He flinched as Kihyun’s face flickered in discomfort, even if it was just for a moment. He wished they would just yell at him – hit him, do anything – rather than the suffocating silence that was threatening to crush his lungs.

“I’ll g-go get some ice.” He whispered, fighting back tears. No one said anything, but he saw the glances that were thrown in his direction. No words, but he could feel the animosity in the air. He swallowed thickly and rushed out of the practice room with his head down. He made a beeline for the supply closet that was down the hall, where the first aid kit was. With shaking hands he grabbed the disposable icepack and a two pack of painkillers before putting the metal box back on the shelf. He made a mental note to tell the young woman at the front desk that they would have to restock the kit soon, with how often one of them tripped over this or that.

Changkyun made his way back to the room quickly but hesitated outside the door that he had left open a crack. He heard his manager’s voice and froze.

“Changkyun did this?” he asked the others. The boy in question assumed the silence was a physical confirmation of his mistake. “Hey now, I know you aren’t happy that he was the one chosen, but he’s your band mate now. If you can’t learn to get along there’s going to be no way to debut. You all know that.”

“Maybe it would be better that way.” Someone muttered. Changkyun couldn’t tell who it was through the ringing in his ears. He gripped the ice pack tighter and felt his whole body start to shake. Taking a steadying breath, he finally pushed the door open and walked in.

Kihyun was standing perfectly normal, if not with his weight slightly more on his right foot than his injured left, but looking fine nonetheless. Their manager looked up at the youngest with an unreadable expression before nodding to them and rushing out of the practice room. Changkyun didn’t make eye contact with anyone as he walked over to Kihyun.

“Here, hyung,” he said quietly as he tossed the ice pack and the painkillers to the older boy. “You shouldn’t be standing yet.”

“Ya, don’t talk to him like that you brat.” Minhyuk all but snapped. Changkyun flinched back, eyes still trained on the scuffs on the wooden floor. No one moved for a split second.

“I’ll sit out for the next run through. At least until the painkillers kick in,” Kihyun said quickly, breaking the tension some. “Thanks Changkyun.”

To say that Changkyun was shocked would be an understatement. None of the other boys had really been anything but barely civil to him since it was made clear he was there to stay. The others seemed equally as taken back. Changkyun’s head shot up and he looked at Kihyun for the first time since reentering the room. He tried to blink back the tears that seemed to come out of nowhere and nodded once.

“It was no problem,” He responded formally, eyes returning to the floor. “I’m all too familiar with sprains, so I know the painkillers help a lot.”

No one commented on his words. Changkyun instantly turned away and went back to his spot in the choreography, waiting for the music to start again. He missed the way Kihyun seemed to tense at how easily he talked about being in pain.

* * *

  
Changkyun woke up at his normal time, not expecting today to be any different than yesterday. He checked his phone and felt his eyes widen at a message on twitter. No one ever messaged him, other than his manager who would send occasional reminders to a group chat they were all in. He never responded to those messages. He mainly used the phone to call him mom and go through social media. It was the one he had when he lived in Boston, so everything was still in English – something that the others would mock him for if they caught sight of the screen over his shoulder.

He didn’t post on twitter that much anyone. Ever since he moved into the dorms, he felt… watched. He didn’t want to do anything that would upset the others, but every once in a while he would make a cryptic tweet about something that had happened. His friends from America would occasionally like the tweet or message him but even that was rare.

To see a username he wasn’t familiar with was something that made him hesitate.

 _“Hi._ ” The message read. It was simple enough. Changkyun stared at it for a few minutes, debating whether to answer or not. Finally he typed out a response.

_“Hey there.”_

He locked his phone and went to use the bathroom before the others woke up. He didn’t want to be yelled at for making them wait. When he came back, not ten minutes later, there was a new message.

 _“So this is out of the blue, but would you want to be friends?”_ just as he read it, another message came through. _“Wow that sounded really creepy. I just meant that we could chat or whatever. Be mutuals and stuff.”_

 _“I’d love to be mutuals,_ ” Changkyun felt himself smile a little. _“It would be nice to have someone to talk to.”_

_“Awesome :o) You can call me Gunner if you want. All my online friends do.”_

_“I’m just Changkyun haha.”_

_“It’s nice to meet you Changkyun.”_

_“It’s nice to meet you too.”_

* * *

  
Changkyun quickly found himself talking to Gunner more and more, whenever he felt lonely or had a spare minute. If the others noticed his behavior, none of them commented on it. It was almost like an escape, being able to message his friend. After a few days they exchanged phone numbers and Changkyun saw his friend had a familiar area code.

“Why are you always smiling at your phone?” Hoseok asked one day. They were taking a break from choreography and while the others were guzzling water and sweeping sweat soaked hair from their faces, Changkyun had made a beeline for his phone.

 _“We all know it was lazy writing to rhyme ‘part’ with ‘apart’._ ” Gunner was complaining about a sing he had heard on the radio.

“Just talking to a friend.” Changkyun said without thinking as he typed out a reply.

_“No one’s arguing XD but they’re the ones on the radio, not us.”_

“Is it someone we know?” Hoseok tried looking over the younger’s shoulder, but Changkyun locked his phone and threw it in his bag. A second later he heard it ping, but they were already getting back into place.

“Nope.” Changkyun was still snickering to himself about the written whine in Gunner’s messages. Hoseok wrinkled his nose a little but didn’t respond.

When the music started, Changkyun lost himself to muscle memory. They had learned the dance weeks ago, and were now working on making it as in sync as physically possible. He was counting in his head rather than mouthing along with the words.

He dreaded the part coming up. It was really hit and miss when it came to if he would get it right, and no matter how hard he practiced he never seemed to get it. He knew it was because the counts were weird, but he couldn’t help but blame himself for not being good enough. He was trying his best, he really was. As much as he told himself he was doing his best, a small part – a rather large part actually – told him there was so much more he could be doing. A bead of sweat dripped down his cheek and he wanted nothing more than to swipe it away but he was trying to focus on the steps.

_One and a two, three, four and a five and a six, seven and eight and-_

His counts were broken as he stepped on the ‘and’ rather than the ‘one’ and was a beat ahead of the music. Again.

He kept going, but he could feel all eyes on him and at that moment all he wanted to do was cry. When the music ended, he kept his head down in shame.

“Everyone, go grab some lunch. Something light this time, Minhyuk. We don’t need anyone to throw up on the floor again,” Hyunwoo called to the boys, who eagerly grabbed their bags and rushed towards the door. “Not you, Changkyun. I need to have a word with you.”

Changkyun felt his blood run cold. He saw the others glance at him and he swore he saw at least one smirk before he was left alone with their leader.

“Hyung, I’m sorry-” he tried to say before Hyunwoo’s heavy sigh cut him off.

“Sorry really isn’t going to cut it this time. If I didn’t know any better I would say you’re doing this on purpose,” He looked at the younger boy with emotionless eyes. “You have to get yourself together. You don’t want to be the reason we don’t debut on time, do you?”

“N-no hyung,” Shame burned the back of his throat, but he refused to cry. Not in front of Hyunwoo. “I’ll try harder.”

“Do that,” He said as he started to leave. Just as he was about to walk out, he turned to the younger again. “Also, manager said he left some special face wash for you in the dorm.”

Changkyun felt his ears burn. He knew his skin wasn’t the best, but he was trying so hard to fix the problem. He washed his face several times a day and used special wipes, but nothing seemed to help much. Part of him knew it was the stress, but he couldn’t control that. He couldn’t control anything. All he wanted was to be able to control something in his life…

“Yes, hyung.” He whispered to the already closed door. He only let himself sob once, letting the tears fall to the floor and splatter onto the wood before wiping his eyes and looking in the mirror.

He would be better, Changkyun told himself. He looked at the roundness of his face, how his stomach pushed in where his belt was, and promised to lose weight. Promised himself to improve and be better.

He promised himself that he would be perfect, because then maybe his hyungs would love him.

* * *

 

 _“Hey, are you okay? You seem… off?_ ” Gunner messaged him. Changkyun looked at the phone with complete apathy and sighed. He knew he should respond. He also knew he should get out of bed and shower and eat and go to the gym before the others woke up but the thought of moving a single finger seemed almost too much.

 _“Have you ever thought about how little we matter in the grand scheme of things?”_ he asked back without really thinking about it.

 _“I mean, yeah…”_ the message came through almost instantly, followed by a second just as quickly. _“Are you alright?”_

 _“It’s hard being all alone in a room full of people._ ” He knew he was being cryptic, but he was in one of those moods.

_“Are you feeling alone?”_

_“It’s not a feeling if that’s what you are.”_

_“You’re not alone though.”_

_“I don’t have anyone.”_

_“You have me?”_

_“I guess…”_ Changkyun felt his throat close up.

_“Promise me you won’t do anything to yourself?”_

_“I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”_ Changkyun knew he was being a coward by avoiding his only friend, but he was scared. He knew what Gunner meant. He knew what people did to get rid of pain and loneliness and fear. He couldn’t promise his friend anything.

He heard a phone ping across the room. He glanced at Jooheon, who was still fast asleep – not even his phone going off was enough to make him stir. Changkyun finally pushed himself out of bed and went to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror only briefly, but in that quick moment he felt like he was going to throw up.

“Changkyun, you’re awake?” A knock came from the door. Changkyun tensed, expecting a scolding. When none came, he called back.

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute,” He jumped in the shower as quickly as possible, barely rinsing his hair completely before turning off the water and stepping out. He wrapped the towel around his waist and scurried out of the bathroom, almost barreling over Jooheon in the process. “S-sorry if I took too long.” He stuttered as he rushed out of the way.

“Nah, you’re good,” Jooheon gave him a strange look before glancing away. “Are… are you good?”

“Of course hyung,” he said quickly – probably too quickly. “Sorry if I was a bother.”

Before Jooheon had a chance to say anything, Changkyun was gone. He slipped back into his room and sighing. He changed in record time and sat on his bed. Checking his phone, he saw several messages from Gunner.

 _“Please promise me Changkyun.”_ The second delivered seconds later. _“I’ll talk to you later._ ” The next only a minute after. _“People care about you, even if they don’t show it easily._ ” And the last one had just been delivered a minute before he came into the room. “ _You’re amazing, don’t forget that._ ”

“Yeah, right,” Changkyun muttered, tossing his phone on the bed without answering the messages. “Anyone with eyes would know how useless I am. Useless, worthless Changkyun. Better off dead, isn’t he?”

He fought the tears stinging his eyes. Another thing wrong with him – he can’t stop crying. How was he going to make it as an idol if every little thing set him off? His stomach growled, but he ignored it. He was working on becoming better.

Within minutes, he was packed and waiting for the others in the living room.

* * *

  
He was so focused on making everything perfect that he didn’t realize someone was standing next to him until he almost ran them over.

“Woah there kid,” Jooheon held his hands up as if trying to defend himself. Changkyun instantly shrunk back. “You’re going to drop if you keep working this hard.”

“Only if I’m lucky.” Changkyun muttered bitterly and without really thinking as he straightened up and started the choreography again. His eyebrows scrunched tight as he focus almost painfully on the way his body moved. It wasn’t right. He just couldn’t seem to move his torso the way Hyungwon and Hyunwoo did, no matter how hard he tried.

“What do you mean?”

“What?” Changkyun looked at Jooheon, confused. Jooheon looked back, and if the younger didn’t know any better he would say the elder looked almost concerned.

“You said if you were lucky?”

“Ah, I meant… that it would mean I’m finally catching up with my hyungs,” He looked away, talking more to himself than to Jooheon. “I’ll finally be good enough…” Changkyun smiled tightly on the outside, but was scolding himself internally for even talking. Now he was going to be reprimanded for being disrespectful.

“Changkyun…” Jooheon, for once, seemed at a loss for words. “Have you eaten today?”

“I ate before we came,” Changkyun said quietly, eyes not leaving his own face in the mirror. “You should go get lunch with the others.”

“I’m not hungry.” He replied quickly. Changkyun had to fight back a scoff. The other rapper was known for having a large appetite.

“I should go,” Changkyun tried to leave, only to be stopped by a hand on his arm. He tried not to flinch away from the touch, but failed. “Hyung, what are you doing?”

“Why do you always flinch? None of us hit you or anything…”

“I almost wish you would. At least then I’d know you see me.” Changkyun couldn’t help but bite out before ripped his arm away and storming out of the room.

* * *

  
The next morning, Changkyun tried to sneak through the kitchen as quietly as possible. He had stayed in bed longer than usual, the guilt of not responding to Gunner’s messages – they just kept coming in and he couldn’t bring himself to open any of them - had kept him up all night. Now, the kitchen was buzzing with the other six boys, all talking and yelling and shoveling food in their mouths before they had to get ready for the day. Changkyun prayed no one would notice him.

“Morning Kyunnie.” Jooheon said loudly, making the youngest freeze instantly.

“G-good morning?” He grimaced at how it came out as a question, but he was too shocked to catch himself before the words were already said.

“Who’s Kyunnie?” Minhyuk asked as he blatantly looked over Changkyun’s head. The younger flushed and ducked away, trying to run away like usual.

“Changkyun, who else?” Jooheon said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Suddenly, everyone was looking at the maknae, who was trying his best to disappear into the tacky floor tiles. Changkyun’s breathing seemed to stop completely.

“I have to get ready-” He tried to say as he started to leave, but Jooheon was already on his way over to him.

“You have to eat or you’re going to waste away. Sit next to me.” He said, all but shoving the younger boy down into the one chair was almost never occupied.

“I’m really not hungry.” Changkyun could hear his voice waver and he wanted to vanish completely.

“Too bad,” Jooheon pushed a plate in his direction. “You look like you’re wasting away.”

No one said anything else as Changkyun played with his food. He took a bite whenever he felt Jooheon’s eyes on him but even then every morsel of food that entered his body felt like poison. It had been weeks – more like months – since he had really eaten anything greasy or flavored, so the heavily spiced breakfast was like cement in his sensitive stomach.

“I’m full. Thank you hyung.” He quickly pushed the plate away and stood. Before anyone could say anything, Changkyun ran to his room.

He glanced at his phone and say yet another message and felt bile in the back of his throat. Turning on his heel, he made a bee line for the bathroom. He barely managed to close the door behind him before what little breakfast he had eaten was floating in the toilet. With a sneer, Changkyun flushed the toilet and brushed his teeth for the second time that morning.

He ignored the worried looks coming from the kitchen as he went back to the room. He shoved what he needed for practice into his bag, only hesitating when he reached for his phone more out of habit than anything. He saw the most recent message and clenched his hands into fists. Changkyun grabbed the handle of his bag and all but ran out of the room, leaving his only friend sitting on his pillow. The screen lit up again as the door closed.

_“Changkyun please.”_

_“I’m worried.”_

_“Don’t do anything to yourself, please.”_

_“Changkyun?”_

_“I’m scared.”_

_“Please just answer me?”_

_“Changkyun?”_

_“I’m sorry…”_

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun learns more about his hyungs and starts to doubt his place in their lives

_“Don’t cry… Don’t cry you worthless little-_ ” Changkyun’s thoughts were cut off by the very sob he had been trying to bite back for the past five minutes. He knew Jooheon was asleep, and the last thing he needed was the older rapper to know he was crying again. He desperately wanted to turn his phone on and message Gunner and rant to him but he knew better. After all, how could he randomly message someone he had been actively ignoring for almost two weeks?

Gunner had stopped trying to contact him after a week and three days, and Changkyun doesn’t know what hurt worse – getting messages he knew he wasn’t going to respond to or not getting any messages anymore.

Changkyun bit back a watery chuckle. He had no idea how things turned out this way. Just when he was getting used to being alone, suddenly Jooheon decided that the younger boy was worth his attention. Now he was constantly bombarded by the other rapper, every waking moment of the day filled with “let’s go eat!” and “Want to watch a movie?” and “What’s on your mind?”

He was still waiting for the punch line. Waiting for Jooheon to finally turn around and laugh at how naive he was to believe he would ever be accepted, waiting to be shunned again – to be invisible once again to his band mates.

Quickly slipping from the safe warmth of his covers, Changkyun made a bee line for the shower. Once in the bathroom, he found himself staring at what remained of his body in the mirror. Despite Joohoen’s attempts to get him to eat, he had proudly dropped almost fifteen pounds. His ribs were more prominent and his hipbones pushed his pants away from his stomach. Other than that, though, he was a mess. Bruises littered his paling skin at an alarming rate. It didn’t help that the lack of nutrition made him more prone to the purple splotches, but the fact that he purposely caused most of them was even worse.

He learned that if he felt like he wasn’t living up to the other’s expectations he could motivate himself - or rather punish himself. What started with purposely running into counter corners and desks turned into Changkyun taking his hairbrush and hitting himself with the flat paddle like part. He learned to adore the way he could create a galaxy on his body, turning worthless fat into a work of art that only he could see. He learned to crave the control he had over the marks – the one and only thing he felt he could control in his life.

“Kyunnie? Are you okay in there?” Jooheon’s voice drifted through the door and Changkyun felt tears sting his eyes. Why? Why was Jooheon playing with him like this? Wasn’t it cruel enough to just ignore him? Why now did he decide to give Changkyun hope?

“I’ll be out in a second.” He hated how his voice cracked. Sure, he was still young and growing, but it was just another sign of his weakness, in his own eyes.

“Are you crying?” Changkyun hated how he almost believed he worry in his hyung’s voice. With a final grimace in the direction of the fogged up mirror, he made his way out of the bathroom.

“Of course not, hyung.” He said quietly. It almost scared him how easy lying had become. Almost.

“Ya, Changkyun?” Jooheon caught his attention before he could duck into the bedroom. The only acknowledgement that Changkyun gave the elder was a slight hum. Jooheon seemed to fidget before continuing. “We’re friends, right? You can come to me if you need anything…”

Changkyun figured he hadn’t quite hid the look of absolute disbelief on his face as well as he had tried to, because Jooheon’s own face instantly scrunched up.

“We’re… I know we haven’t treated you the best, but we’re… we were- they are….” For once, the rapper wasn’t having an easy time getting words out. “I want you to trust me, Changkyun. I want to be your friend.”

“I wanted that too.” Changkyun found himself saying blankly. Jooheon looked hopeful for a moment before his words really sunk in.

“Wanted?” He stressed the past tense and Changkyun gave the older boy a tight lipped smirk.

“Yeah.” He brushed past the older rapper, who was standing there with his jaw open.

* * *

  
“What are you doing?” Hyunwoo said carefully, trying to figure out what the youngest member was thinking.

“What do you mean, hyung?” The boy in question responded, his words clipped and tense. He hadn’t prepared himself for being cornered at the end of their dance practice, so he was having trouble keeping his tone in check.

“I mean, you leave at ungodly hours of the morning. You don’t show up to practice until the last second and disappear right after. We hear you coming in way past curfew. You’ve become snappish and disrespectful. What’s going on with you?”

“Why do you care?” Changkyun couldn’t help but snap. He was tired and sweaty – after spending hours at the gym and then hours in practice with barely a full meal eaten in the past two days. All in all, Changkyun was about two seconds from collapsing and he couldn’t bring himself to care about the shock that passed across his leader’s face, nor the rage that was not so carefully hidden in normally cheerful eyes.

“Watch your tone, Changkyun,” Hyunwoo wasn’t in the mood to deal with his youngest member’s attitude. Their debut had been pushed back yet again and everyone was on edge. “You need to learn your place-”

“My place?” He couldn’t help the small laugh that bubbled through his anger. “You think I’m not painfully aware of my place in this damn band?”

“Watch your mouth-”

 

“My place has always been under your damn feet, and that’s the only place I’ll ever belong,” Changkyun bit out. “Under the feet of my ‘loving hyungs’… either that or six feet under the ground. You’d probably prefer that, won’t you?”

“Changkyun, what the fu-?”

“Never mind hyung,” As quickly as it came, all the fire within Changkyun’s chest seemed to die, leaving the boy with nothing but cold ashes inside. “It’s not important.”

Before Hyunwoo could even comprehend what the youngest had just said, the boy had disappeared.

* * *

  
“Ya, Changkyun, we have to talk.” Jooheon tried to get the younger’s attention, but he was already out the door. Changkyun could hear Jooheon’s frustrated shout through the closed door but he couldn’t find it in him to care much. As good as it felt to not be bothered by much of anything, he had to admit part of him was afraid of just how apathetic he was getting towards everything.

The boy made his way to the gym, planning on working on building stamina until he couldn’t feel the self-loathing anymore, as he tended to do when his thoughts got too loud to ignore. The familiar smell of the chorine from the pool mixed with the cleaners used on the equipment had at first made his stomach churn, but now was almost comforting. He nodded to the receptionist, who smiled and waved back.

Changkyun shoved his headphones in his ears and was preparing to run on the treadmill for as long as physically possible when he walked a little too close to whoever was using the boxing equipment. It wasn’t until he felt a sharp pain in his ribs that he figured whoever it was had wound back their arm and elbowed him roughly. It was more the shock than the pain that made Changkyun cry out and fall back a little.

“Oh sorry- shit, Changkyun?” A familiar voice said, albeit out of breath and almost watery sounding.

“Hoseok hyung?” Changkyun asked as he rubbed what was certain to be a deep bruise in a matter of minutes. Hoseok, who had started to bend over to help the younger up abruptly straightened his spine.

“Don’t call me that.” He all but snarled, whirling around to throw a particularly vicious punch at the already dented punching bag. Changkyun couldn’t help the shiver of fear that jolted down his spine as he looked up at his hyung.

“But I’m younger than you…” He trailed off uncertainly.

“No-” Hoseok shook his head and ran a hand through his dripping bangs – evidence that he had been taking some sort of frustration out for quite some time already. “No, shit… Don’t call me Hoseok… please…”

“What… what should I call you then?” Changkyun didn’t like the vulnerability in his hyung’s voice one bit.

“Wonho,” He gasped, as if he was fighting just to take a breath. “Please, just call me Wonho. I can’t stand hearing…” He broke off with a choked sob and Changkyun was on his feet in an instant. Without thinking, he placed a hand on the older boy’s back and rubbed the spot between his shoulders in an attempt to comfort him.

“Hyung, did something happen?” He asked, concern showing through his words. Wonho didn’t say anything at first. He just stood there and let Changkyun rub his back as he gasped for air. Without any warning, Wonho whipped around and buried his face in Changkyun’s shoulder and began to sob as if he was dying. Changkyun didn’t know what to do, so he just held on to his hyung and whispered senseless comfort words into his ear until the sobs started to calm.

“I’m s-sorry Kyunnie…” Wonho said miserably. Changkyun still wasn’t used to the nickname and almost didn’t realize he was being spoken to.

“You don’t have to apologize,” He responded awkwardly. It was weird, seeing the older boy so broken. The normally smiling face was red and blotchy, his eyes swollen and bottom lip still trembling slightly. “I just… are you alright?”

“No… no, no, no I do have to apologize,” Wonho pulled away and began pulling at his hair with both hands. “I- fuck I’m such a damn hypocrite. I’m so sorry Changkyun…”

“Let’s go sit, okay?” He motioned to some benches off to the side and guided Wonho over to them, leaving their bags where they fell. Once he knew Wonho wasn’t going to collapse, he tried again. “Wonho hyung, why are you apologizing?”

“I did the same thing to you that they did to me… I’m so, so, so sorry Changkyun. I know how awful it feels and yet I… I got carried away. I got carried away with my grief and I made your life miserable and it’s all my fault.”

“What do you mean?”

“The isolating, the cold shoulders, all of it. I know… I know how awful it is! And yet I made you go through the same thing…” Wonho seemed to be talking more to himself at this point, a hint of hysteria on the edge of his words. Changkyun could see his eyes glaze over again and knew another bout of tears were fast approaching.

“Hyung, why do you want me to call you Wonho?”

“Wonho is… he’s strong and handsome and talented and loved. Hoseok is filthy and wrong. He’s pathetic and unlovable.”

“Woah, who told you that you were unlovable?” Changkyun couldn’t wrap his head around it. Though he had never really been shown affection himself, he saw the way his hyung acted around the other members, with staff and with fans. He was the farthest thing from unlovable. Wonho just let out a broken chuckle and hid his face in his hands.

“I’m not normal, Kyunnie,” He said miserably. “I’m not like everyone else and I’ve tried fixing myself.”

“There’s nothing to fix hyung.” Changkyun had no idea what Wonho was talking about, but he couldn’t fight the feeling of dread growing in his chest.

“I just want to be normal,” Wonho whispered, his eyes staring through his fingers with no life behind them. “Someone my parents can look in the eye and not be disappointed with.”

“Why would your parents be disappointed in you?”

“I like boys,” He said, sounding like a terrified child. Before Changkyun could say anything, Wonho started to speak again. “But I also like girls… There’s something wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t pick. I know my parents want me to pick girls, but even if I picked just boys they’d be happier than… whatever I am.”

“Oh hyung,” Changkyun felt his heart shatter. He knew several people like Wonho from when he lived in Boston, and they were some of the sweetest people he ever met. Without thinking, he threw his arms around Wonho’s shoulders and drew the older boy into his chest. “There’s nothing wrong with you, do you hear me? Absolutely nothing. It’s okay that you like boys and girls. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. I met a ton of people who like boys and girls and they’re all so amazing and caring, just like you.” Wonho shook his head and weakly tried to pull away from Changkyun, who wasn’t going to let go easily.

“Why?” He asked shakily.

“Why what?”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because you need someone to be here for you.”

“But… but I was never there for you. How could you be so open towards someone who never even gave you a chance?”

“Because…” Changkyun hesitated and he felt Wonho tense in his arms. “Because you were sad when your friend was eliminated, and scared about the uncertainty of your future. Because I know now that this is the real you, not the hyung that ignored me… and because everyone deserves to have someone to support them, regardless of what they’ve done in the past. And before you say anything, you didn’t deserve anything your parents or friends said to you. You didn’t deserve to be isolated. You’re an amazing person, hyung. I mean it.”

Wonho looked up at Changkyun for a second, both boys staring into the eyes of the other – Wonho searching for a hint of a lie and Changkyun hoping to see hope of some sort – before Wonho broke down and sobbed into Changkyun’s shoulder for the second time that evening. The younger boy saw a staff member start to approach them with a concerned expression but he waved her away with a small smile and she thankfully took the hint.

“Come on, Wonho hyung,” Changkyun said softly. “Let’s go get ice cream and go back to the dorm. We can brag that we didn’t get any for the others. They’ll be so mad, won’t they?” That got the reaction he had been hoping for. Wonho chuckled and wiped his face with the back of his hand.

“They’d be pissed if we got ice cream without them.” He confirmed with a sniffle.

“Come on then, my treat.” Changkyun helped Wonho stand from the bench and they went to collect their bags.

“Thank you, for all of that,” Wonho said carefully. “And, for not hating me. I know I would hate me in your position.”

“There’s only one person I really hate, and he deserves it.” Changkyun said in what he hoped was a cheeky tone. He didn’t need his hyung to realize he was talking about himself.

* * *

  
He was right. When he and Wonho returned to the dorm with almost empty ice cream containers, there was an uproar from the other members. The uproar, however, only lasted until they took note of Wonho’s still swollen eyes and how the elder seemed to almost hide behind the maknae. No one said anything.

“Changkyun. Hoseok hyung. You wanna watch a movie?” Jooheon asked, breaking the tension. “I’ve been wanting to watch this new one but every time I ask Kyunnie he says no.”

Changkyun doesn’t miss the way Wonho flinches.

“ _Wonho_ hyung and I would love to, right hyung?” He asked, turning to Wonho as he stressed the use of his chosen name. Wonho seemed to melt with relief as he nodded.  
“You go set up Jooheon. Changkyun, could you come here for a second?” Hyunwoo said from the kitchen and Changkyun felt his blood freeze.

“O-of course hyung.” He wanted to run away, but he was basically cornered. He followed Hyunwoo into the kitchen and waited for him to say something. In the moments of silence where the leader was trying to choose his words, the youngest could hear the others play fighting in the living room over who was going to sit where.

“Changkyun…” Hyunwoo said carefully, looking at the maknae like he was a hurt animal. “I wanted to talk to you about earlier.

“I’m sorry hyung,” He felt tears stinging his eyes again. “I was out of line, speaking to you the way I did. Please forgive me-”

“No, no… that’s not it,” Hyunwoo scratched the back of his head. Telling someone what needed to be done? He could do that. Having a heart to heart with someone? He was way out of his comfort zone. “I’m… worried about some of the things you said earlier.”

“I…” Changkyun could barely remember what he said, if he was being honest with himself. He had been so tired that he had let his tongue run without thinking first.

“Do you really believe that you belong under our feet?”

“Oh, um…” Changkyun wanted to answer honestly. To shout ‘ _yes! Of course! Where else would I belong?’_ at the top of his lungs, but having a heart to heart with his leader was putting him out of his comfort zone as well.

“Or that…” Hyunwoo felt his stomach drop the same as it had when he first heard the youngest say it. “Or that you belong six feet under?”

“What?” Minhyuk’s voice came from the doorway, sounding small. Two sets of eyes were suddenly on the third member, who looked close to tears. “You don’t really think that… d-do you?”

Changkyun couldn’t find his words, and settled on looking intently at his feet. He heard scuffling before he was suddenly engulfed in a warm if not slightly too tight embrace.

“Hyung?” Changkyun asked, perplexed. The confusion in his voice just made Minhyuk’s arms tighten around him even more.

“It’s not true.” The elder said, and Changkyun couldn’t really tell if he was reassuring himself that what the maknae had said wasn’t true or trying to convince the younger that what he thought wasn’t true. Changkyun let Minhyuk hold him for a moment longer – he didn’t want to admit it but he liked the contact – before gently pulling away. He flashed Hyunwoo a small smile before looking away again.

“Is there anything else hyung?” He asked, fiddling with the hem of his sleeve. “Wonho hyung is waiting for me…”

“Why are you calling him Wonho when it’s just us?” Minhyuk asked. Changkyun just shrugged.

“He asked me to,” He said hesitantly. “And It’s not my story to explain.” He turned away and rushed from the kitchen, not sure how to feel about the attention he was suddenly receiving from his hyungs.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I said every other day updates, I guess I meant every day updates because I'm sad and writing helps.  
> I see people speculating in the comments but I'm not going to say anything about who Gunner really is just yet! I plan on having two more chapters, one similar to this and the final one having the backstory to a lot of what's happening. There's a possibility of an epilogue of sorts but that depends on how long the final chapter is.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say the biggest warning is when they start to smile again...

Days passed, and things still weren’t back to normal. Or rather, back to the normal that Changkyun was used to. He had expected to be ignored again once the movie night had ended, but much to his surprise it seemed his hyungs were even more attentive. They would constantly ask if he had eaten, if he had showered or slept well, if he wanted to go get food or go out after practice. It was overwhelming to say the least.

Changkyun looked at himself in the mirror. He had declined Minhyuk’s offer to get skewers in favor of taking a hot shower and going to bed early. He hated what he saw. Because of the sudden influx of food offers, Changkyun had gained back almost all the weight he had been working so hard to get rid of. On top of that, Jooheon had seen his bruises when he was changing and was being extra watchful – checking to see if there were any new ones every night. Every inch of control Changkyun managed to scrape together had been thrown away and it was tearing him apart.

He wanted to be happy, he really did. From an outside perspective, it seemed like he should be getting better, like he should be becoming happier. His hyungs were being nicer and paying attention to him. He was improving his vocals and dancing. They had even been given a definite date for debut – something that always seemed so out of reach. He had all of this, and yet the tightness in his chest refused to relax and the thoughts that sent him spiraling into panic sobs in the early hours of the morning were louder than ever. Changkyun knew about depression, and how people tended to self-treat it. To say he wasn’t intrigued would be a lie.

One friend he made in Boston had silvery lines covering her arm, and when Changkyun had asked what happened she said it had taken the pain away. He hadn’t understood what she meant until he started bruising himself.

He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to clear his mind. He knew the thoughts flitting through his brain weren’t just dangerous, but dangerously cliché. He got in and out of the shower quickly, wanting nothing more than to spend the next several hours dead to the world.

“Are you going to sleep already?” Jooheon asked carefully. Changkyun wanted to sneer at his tone - the youngest was starting to get tired of being treated like a glass figurine.

“Um, yeah hyung,” he tried to keep his tone neutral. “I’ve been really tired lately.”

“Oh… okay,” Jooheon trailed off, leaving the room in silence for just a moment. He quickly cleared his throat to break the awkwardness. “You know you can talk to me about anything that’s bothering you right? A-and I promise I won’t tell the hyungs if you don’t want me to. It can stay just between us.”

Changkyun was genuinely shocked by the sincerity of Jooheon’s offer and had to swallow back tears for a moment before responding.

“Of course, hyung,” He hoped it wasn’t too obvious that he was about to cry. “T-thank you.”

Changkyun ducked into their shared room and dove under his covers. Being surrounded by the familiar smells and warmth made the tension melt from his body almost instantly and he finally realized just how exhausted he really was. Sure, he was exhausted from practice, but he was also mentally exhausted from being so on guard all the time. Though days and days passed, no one called their bluff yet. Changkyun didn’t know how long he could handle the anticipation of having his hyungs turn their back on him again.

With that thought in mind, Changkyun fell asleep.

* * *

  
“I’m sorry…” A sob woke Changkyun up several hours later. Though disoriented, the maknae could tell it was late from the moon shining directly into the room. He froze, waiting to see if the sound that had woken him up was real, or just the remains of a dream he couldn’t remember. After a few seconds, the whimpering came again. “Come back…”

“H-hyung?” Changkyun whispered to the darkness. The faint whimpers stopped but Jooheon didn’t respond. “Jooheon hyung?”

The boy in question suddenly shot upright in his bed as if he had been struck by lightning. The older rapper sat in silence for a heartbeat before openly sobbing. It only took a moment before Changkyun was out of his bed and crawling into the other.

“Was it a bad dream?” He asked, trying to console his hyung. Jooheon just kept crying, as if he didn’t realize the other boy was there. It wasn’t until Changkyun shook his shoulder that Jooheon acknowledged him.

“Ch-Changkyun?” He asked, his voice wavering dangerously. He didn’t even wait for the maknae to respond before pulling him into a tight hug. “Oh than god…” He whispered over and over again into Changkyun’s hair.

“Did you have a nightmare hyung?” Changkyun tried to ask again when Jooheon finally calmed down. The elder just shook his head and pulled him closer. “Do you want me to stay here for the night?” He offered, not sure what he could do to help the other boy.

“Please,” Jooheon whispered, his breath tickling Changkyun’s neck. “Stay.”

Changkyun gently pushed Jooheon back onto the bed and let the other boy cling onto him as he hummed a wordless tune. Soon, Jooheon’s breathing settled out and Changkyun finally let himself drift back to sleep again.

* * *

  
“It’ll just scar if you keep doing that.” Hyungwon said from the bathroom door. Changkyun almost dropped the bottle of face wash that was in his hand when his hyung announced his presence so abruptly.

“Hyung,” He breathed, placing a hand over his heart. “You scared me.”

“Ah, sorry about that,” The taller boy said, sheepishly looking away. “But, uh, I’m serious. If you keep messing with your acne and drying your skin out, you’ll just break out more and have scarring later.”

“But…” Changkyun felt his stomach drop slightly. He had been doing everything to clear up his skin and the thought that all of that effort was just going to make it worse made the boy want to cry. “What kind of idol has skin like this?” He grumbled, placing the bottle back on the sink.

“Sometimes you just can’t help it. I’ve always been lucky enough to have fairly clear skin, but by younger brother had a terrible time with it in school. He tried everything, but drying out his skin is what made it worse.”

“How did he fix it?” Changkyun asked softly, staring at his reflection as if he could make his faults disappear.

“He ate plenty of healthy foods and drank lots of water. He stopped over washing his face too. A huge part of it was just waiting until his body was mature enough to make it go away on its own.” Hyungwon saw a lot of his brother in Changkyun and felt a stab of guilt.

“I don’t have time to wait,” Changkyun paled. “Our debut is coming up soon…”

“Our fans are going to love you regardless if you have perfect skin or not,” the older boy said with complete certainty. “I like to keep up with what people say online, and from what I’ve seen, a lot of fans from other bands talk about how much they love seeing imperfections and blemishes. It makes us seem more real to them.”

“Hyung-”

“Oh, another thing Changkyun,” Hyungwon cut the younger off, knowing he was about to protest something or another. “You have to start eating again.”

“I eat.” Changkyun said immediately, instantly sounding defensive. He could see Hyungwon raise a single eyebrow in the mirror and deflated.

“I see how you play with your food at meal times, and I’d like to think I know you well enough to say you don’t eat unless we’re sitting there with you,” He crossed his arms but his face never looked anything but worried. Changkyun wanted to snap that no, Hyungwon didn’t know him at all, but he let his hyung keep talking. “If you want your skin to clear up, you need to eat right. Not only that, but your hair is starting to thin. If you don’t get the nutrients your body needs, it’ll start falling out completely.” Changkyun’s hand flew to the top of his head instinctively. He didn’t realize his hair had been thinning, but now that it had been brought to his attention, Changkyun noticed how limply his bangs hung over his eyes.

“But… I don’t want to gain any more weight.” He whispered truthfully. Part of him acknowledged that this was the first time he did anything remotely close to opening up to his hyungs and it scared him.

“Changkyun, you don’t see what we do” It wasn’t a question. “You were sickly thin. We’re just lucky that you’ve started gaining some weight before you collapsed. Being tube fed in a hospital is not a fun experience, trust me.”

“What do you mean?” Changkyun spun around and looked at his hyung for the first time directly since the conversation started.

“Before I became a trainee, I was a model,” He explained casually, the pain in his eyes betraying the calmness of his words. “There was always this… pressure. To be taller, to be skinnier, to be better… I was young, and I wanted to be successful. People always told me how beautiful I was, and how I was a perfect model, but I always heard the whispering too. They also said I was lanky, and awkward. More often than not they would comment on how if I was going to be lanky, I couldn’t have any kind of muscle or body fat. Otherwise I would look like a poorly constructed doll.”

“That’s not true!” Changkyun couldn’t help but interrupt, his chest burning with anger that anyone would say that about Hyungwon. The other boy just smirked tiredly and waved the younger off with a lazy hand.

“It’s alright Kyunnie,” He said. He ran a hand through his hair before continuing. “Anyway, being as young as I was, I took everything to heart. I knew I couldn’t just work out to lose weight because then I would gain muscle, so I did the next best thing. I let myself waste away. I wouldn’t eat, and I would barely move out of bed. By the time I finally collapsed, I was so underweight that the doctors had to put me in a coma until the IVs could give me something to work with. It was one of the worst experiences in my life, and despite how our relationship started out I would never want to see anyone I care about go through what I did.”

Changkyun didn’t know what to say. He knew Hyungwon had been a model before, and that he had to stop for medical reasons, but he never once even considered that his hyung had gone through something so horrible. It made the normally comforting emptiness in his stomach feel sickening and Changkyun didn’t know why.

“So please,” Hyungwon walked over and placed a large hand right on the top of the younger boy’s head. “Take care of yourself, alright?”

“I’ll… I’ll try hyung.” Changkyun finally said, after a moment of fighting with himself. He didn’t want to disappoint Hyungwon, but at the same time he really didn’t trust himself to make a promise and keep it.

“I can’t cook for the life of me, but I can slip some ideas for good meals when they order out next time.”

“Thank you.” Changkyun felt a strange bubbling in his chest, but he didn’t know what it was.

“I have to go talk to the manager about something, so you’ll be alone for a bit. Will you be okay?” Changkyun didn’t answer other than a nob, but Hyungwon seemed satisfied.

The elder messed up the younger boy’s hair before smiling one more and leaving the bathroom.

Changkyun stood there, unsure of what to think.

He was so sure his hyungs were doing this to make him the end of some joke, but that whole conversation felt… too real. It felt too intimate for it to be all part of a scheme. Why, though? Why would they suddenly care about him?

A shot of ice ran down his spine as the whisper in the back of his head started doing what it did best – whispering.

 _‘He only said that stuff to you so you would know what to do,’_ it said to him. _‘He was giving you tips on how to lose weight. You heard hyung. Don’t eat, don’t leave your bed. You have to waste away because that’s all you are. A waste. Waste of space. Waste of breath. You, Changkyun, are a worthless human being. You should be thankful that your hyung was willing to give you a hint like that. You can’t be disrespectful and ignore his advice, you pathetic child.’_

Changkyun whimpered, not bothering to bite back the sound. Hyungwon said he was going to be alone in the dorm. He bit his bottom lip to keep himself from crying, but the tell-tale burn in the back of his throat wasn’t going away. In fact, it was only getting more and more suffocating the longer he stared at his reflection.

“Why?” He asked the other Changkyun, the reverse of himself. “Why does this keep happening? Why can’t the voice just shut up?”

 _‘Because without me, you’re nothing,’_ the voice hissed. _‘Without me, you’d never improve. Without me, you’re just a worthless, worthless, worthless-’_

“Please stop!” Changkyun all but yelled, but the voice was relentless.

_‘You’d be better off dead. Everyone would be happier with you gone. You do nothing but bring them down. It’s all your fault the debut date was pushed back. It’s all your fault Gunhee was eliminated and replaced. You could never live up to the expectations they have for you. Do everyone a favor and disappear. Disappear Changkyun. Disappear forever.’_

He broke down, sobbing loudly. He tried to hold onto the edge of the sink but as his knees gave out, so did the strength in his fingers. He sunk to the ground and messily sobbed into his hands, howling at the voice to leave him alone, to let him be happy for once in his damn life.

He started to really panic when his vision started to go black around the edges. He had no idea how long he had been sitting on the ground, but his chest felt like it had been slammed with a hammer, and his breathing was so erratic that little dots were starting to float across what little he could still see. He was going to pass out, and he was terrified.

“Oh my god!” A voice called from the hallway. Hands were suddenly on Changkyun, and he desperately tried to fight them, but they were insistent. Finally, as a last ditch effort, he shoved blindly in the direction that he thought the hands were coming from. He made contact with something warm and soft, and heard a loud thump as whoever it was fell. Changkyun was too focused on trying to take a breath without coughing to look around. His fingers found the soft skin of his face and started clawing at his cheeks until the hands were on him again.

“Leave me alone!” He managed to scream before his face was pressed into something soft and familiar smelling.

“It’s okay Changkyun,” The voice said. “It’s okay. I have you. I need you to breathe, alright. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

The voice kept repeating itself over and over until Changkyun’s breathing finally leveled out and he was able to figure out who it was. He looked up at Kihyun, who as cradling the maknae against his chest carefully but firmly. When Kihyun saw the younger boy had calmed down some, he smiled warmly and let Changkyun pull back a little.

“You’re home?” Changkyun asked, for once sounding like the boy he really was. Kihyun felt his chest clench at how red the child’s eyes were.

“I stopped in to grab my charger but I heard you crying… I have to say, you gave me a heart attack Kyunnie.”

“I’m sorry hyung.” He hated how his voice cracked. He hated how he was a burden on his hyungs. Maybe the voice really was right…

“Don’t apologize,” Kihyun pulled Changkyun back onto his lap. “I was afraid you were hurt. I know really know basic first aid… All I could really think was what would happen if that wasn’t enough?”

“What do you think could have happened to be that would need more than basic first aid?” Changkyun asked with a forced chuckle. He didn’t like how watery his hyung’s voice was starting to sound. Kihyun didn’t answer. Changkyun felt the other boy tense to the point of shaking, and when he looked he saw Kihyun’s eyes staring into space with an unreadable emotion in them.

“Let’s… let’s not think about that, alright?” He finally said softly.

“I’m sorry for being a bother.” Changkyun tried again, feeling guilty. Kihyun had just ducked in to grab his charger, which meant he had plans he had to miss because of him.

“You’re never a bother,” Kihyun hugged him again, burying his nose in Changkyun’s hair. “Never, ever think that you’re bothering us.” The two sat in silence for a few minutes, the younger letting his hyung comfort him. Changkyun didn’t realize how soothing it could be to listen to the heartbeat of someone else. Changkyun could tell Kihyun was going to say something by the way his chest suddenly expanded. “What happened? To make you cry?”

“Just… bad thoughts.” He answered truthfully. “I talked to Hyungwon hyung and when he left I was stuck with my own mind… that’s never fun.” He let out a weak chuckle in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere, but Kihyun didn’t laugh with him.

“Do you want to talk about what you were thinking?” Kihyun tried to keep his voice soft and calm. The last thing he wanted to do was scare the younger boy. Changkyun shook his head and tried to pull away from the embrace. “Please Changkyun, let us help you.”

“I don’t want your help.” He was suddenly angry. Not at Kihyun, who was looking at him like he had just smashed a glass over his head, but at himself for wanting to cry again. At himself for wanting to cry and tell Kihyun everything and trust his hyungs fully.

“Changkyun-”

“Please hyung,” He finally managed to wiggle out of Kihyun’s arms. “I don’t… I’m going to bed now. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

Without another word, Changkyun sped out of the bathroom and threw himself into his bed, ignoring the frantic knocking coming from his bedroom door.  
He stared at the ceiling, wondering what to do next. He felt… conflicted to say the least.

He wanted to trust the others, but he was just so afraid of being ignored again. He was afraid that if he gave in and let his hyungs care for him, he would end up even more broken than he already is. Changkyun covered his eyes with his arm as tears started to run down his cheeks again.

Why wouldn’t the weight in his chest go away? He just wanted to breathe properly without feeling like his ribs were going to collapse.

Would any of them really care if he was gone? Changkyun had asked himself this many times before, but now it was pressing even more heavily on his mind. He was sure that if he were to disappear, things would easily go back to normal. If anything, everyone would be happier. Gunhee would be able to debut, like he was supposed to from the beginning. Jooheon could have his best friend back, and Monsta X could finally have a component rapper in their lineup.

Changkyun wasn’t a stranger to the idea of death. He dreamt it several times, each time he woke in a cold sweat and a pang of regret – regret that it was just a dream. He knew cutting and guns were too messy, and that pills and hanging were more likely to fail than not. He just wanted a simple, easy way to fall asleep and not wake up again.  
He wished he wasn’t so afraid of hurting himself. Maybe then he would be able to silence the voice that constantly bombarded him with insults and promises of silence if he only just ended it like he should-

Changkyun let his eyes close, the exhaustion making them burn painfully. As he fell asleep, Changkyun made a plan.

* * *

  
“Good morning hyung!” Changkyun all but skipped into the kitchen. Everyone seemed startled at the good mood their maknae seemed to be in, but they quickly matched his smile. They were just happy to see the younger boy smiling again.

“You’re awfully chipper today.” Hyunwoo commented with a soft smile of his own. Changkyun grinned and shrugged.

“It’s just going to be a good day.” He said, filling a large bowl with Minhyuk’s favorite marshmallow cereal. Normally Minhyuk wouldn’t let anyone touch his special cereal, but seeing Changkyun not only happy but eager to eat something for once made the older boy hold his tongue.

“What makes you say that?” Hyungwon asked as he cradled his cup of coffee. Changkyun made eye contact with him and smiled through a mouthful of cereal.

“I can just tell.” He said after swallowing. No one questioned him further, for they all seemed happy to just sit there in a content silence until it was time for practice. Even their manager seemed to sense the light mood because he suggested getting take out during their lunch break which caused a cheer to go up.

Hyunwoo had never seen their maknae enjoy himself as much as he had that day. Normally Changkyun would throw himself into the choreography so hard that he forgot to even breathe, but that day he was laughing and joking around with the other boys. He whined when they had to run it again and playfully poured water over Jooheon’s head.

Changkyun finally seemed to be trusting them, and the thought made Hyunwoo tear up a little. Through everything that happened, seeing the youngest finally accept them was the final piece of the puzzle that they needed to complete their band – their family.

When it was time to leave for the day, Changkyun seemed to hesitate. He wrung his hands on the strap of his bag and stared at his reflection with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Is something wrong Kyunnie?” Wonho asked. He had held back when he noticed the youngest hadn’t walked out with them.

“No,” Changkyun’s voice was tight. “I’m just… trying to memorize everything.”

“You’re making it sound like you’re never coming back,” Wonho laughed, trying to ignore the weird feeling in the back of his mind. “Those unflattering mirrors are going to be just as smudged and awful come morning, no doubt about that.” Changkyun’s lip quirked up in what could have possible been called a smile, had the look in his eyes not told a different story.

“Still…” Changkyun blinked and tightened his grip on his bag. “You never know what could happen in just one night.”

“That’s true… who knows, maybe Hyungwon will finally learn to cook noodles without burning down the kitchen.” Wonho chuckled, remembering the time Hyungwon had tried to make instant ramen but forgot to add water, subsequently setting the nearby dishtowel ablaze.

“Maybe…” Changkyun said softly before turning towards the door. Wonho just barely managed to grab his sleeve before he could slip past.

“Hey, I know this sounds kind of weird,” He started, not sure how to phrase his thoughts without sounding ridiculous. “But… thanks for today. I guess this was what it feels like to have a real family, so thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet hyung.” Changkyun said before gently pulling his arm from Wonho’s grip. He ignored the older boy’s confused look as he walked towards the van, acceptance written plainly on his face.

* * *

  
_“Hey Gunner. I know it’s been a long time. I just wanted to say I was sorry for being such a shitty friend, and that you won’t have to worry about me anymore if you even still do. I’m going to fix the problem once and for all. I really appreciate you being there for me. It was so hard being alone, but you never left me. I was the shitty one who left, and I’m sorry for that. I also wanted to thank you, for having faith in me. You might be the only one who really did. Part of me thinks I’m being selfish, but I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve come to realize that this really is what’s best for everyone. Goodbye Gunner. Thank you… and please forgive me.”_

* * *

  
_“Changkyun! Please no!”_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah I was sad and wrote a lot today. The last chapter is going to be sort of a flashback and then we see what happened to Changkyun! I don't know when the final chapter will be up because I have plans for tomorrow and Monday but once I get the motivation bug, I tend to write like crazy!  
> I've been told hurt/comfort has helped people with their problems, and I know I use this genre to suppress my own shit, so here a shamless plug? I have a lot of hurt/comfort on my profile, including a BTS one I recently finished. That being said, if you feel you want to check them out or if you just want to talk I'm always here.  
> My twitter is @25boyfriends and my tumblr is @itsalwaysagoodtimetoeatcake2


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashack worth a thousands words, all spoken too late

“How is the kid doing, anyway?” Gunhee asked Jooheon casually. Since the show ended and the former was eliminated, the two boys kept in touch quite often. It wasn’t unusual for the two of them to go out for lunch or just to hang out. Jooheon had been telling his friend about how Changkyun had tripped Kihyun in practice, and how everyone was on edge because debut had been pushed back for the third time.

“He’s okay I guess…” Jooheon hadn’t expected his friend to ask about the other boy. Gunhee sipped his drink and checked a notification on his phone.

“I just worry ‘bout him, you know?” He asked casually, eyes not leaving his phone. Jooheon didn’t really know, but he let his friend continue anyway. “Like, yeah I was a little bitter about being eliminated but damn I can barely even imagine how hard it’s been for the kid.”

“What do you mean?” Jooheon didn’t know why he was feeling defensive all of a sudden. Gunhee looked up from his phone with a raised eyebrow.

“Think about it from his perspective. He was thrown into this game show without any real warning or anything. He managed to win, but now what? He’s just a kid. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to adjust to living in a dorm and the practice schedule and all that.”

“I guess…” Jooheon’s previous defensiveness had turned into a solid lump of cement in his chest. He never really stopped to think about the younger boy that often. It wasn’t that he hated Changkyun. In fact, under different circumstances he supposes the two of them could have been best friends. It was just that he wasn’t Gunhee –Changkyun wasn’t the one he had bonded with and became close with and wrote some of his favorite raps with.

“Speak of the devil,” Gunhee’s voice broke Jooheon out of his thoughts. Looking up, he saw his friend on his phone again. Gunhee turned the screen towards him, and he saw a familiar face in a small circle icon. “Isn’t this him?”

“I think so?” It was hard to tell because the picture was slightly grainy and kind of small, but it definitely looked like him.

“The whole account is in English,” Gunhee said with a small frown. “Must have been from when he lived in America.”

“He lived in America?” Jooheon raised his eyebrows. “How did you know that?”

“How did you not?” Gunhee furrowed his own eyebrows at his friend. “I only talked with the kid once and it came up in passing.”

“Oh…” It really hit Jooheon that he didn’t know anything about his roommate other than the basics, and it seemed he didn’t even know all of those.

“He only has a few followers. They’re all mutual too,” Gunhee narrated as he went through the account. His eyes widened as he translated one of the tweets in his head. “Hey, uh, is the kid okay?” He asked, not looking up. Jooheon didn’t know what he meant.

“Last time I checked he was fine. He wasn’t complaining about anything hurting-”

“Not like that. Is he… emotionally okay? Mentally?”

“I… wouldn’t know,” Jooheon tried to say without revealing the fact that he – and the others – had been all but isolating the youngest member for the past few weeks. “He doesn’t talk to us all that much.”

“Well I think you should try talking to him,” Gunhee said, his voice uncharacteristically somber. “Some of this stuff is… concerning.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, this was from a week ago. ‘Why fight a current that’s pulling you down? Maybe the water is just doing you a favor’ and a few days before that, ‘sometimes being awake is the most painful thing someone can go through’. It’s probably not exact because it’s all English but… I still don’t like the sound of that.”

“Oh…” Jooheon felt sick to his stomach. He never thought the younger boy could have been feeling this way. Actually, he never really stopped to consider the younger boy’s feelings in any way before this moment. He felt shame burn his ears.

“Maybe you could talk to him?” Gunhee suggested carefully.

“Maybe, but I don’t know if he’d want to talk to me.”

“Why wouldn’t he-?” Gunhee was cut off by something appearing on his phone. He looked mad for a moment before sighing. “Looks like you’re right.”

“What? Why?”

“Just now he tweeted ‘I feel like I’m surrounded by strangers who are supposed to be family and I don’t know what to do’. He doesn’t seem too comfortable around you guys.”

“What can we do?” Jooheon was trying to stop his stomach from sinking farther into the ground.

“Maybe I could try? He doesn’t really know me all that well…” Gunhee suggested, toying with the idea.

“Like, make an alias?” Jooheon had to admit, the idea wasn’t too bad. “But… what if he finds out it’s you?”

“I guess that’s a risk we have to take. Otherwise this will keep going on and we’ll never know what’s happening with him.”

“That’s true.” Jooheon felt the guilt pile him under. What kind of hyung was he? He was treating the younger boy with such animosity on behalf of Gunhee, who had already seemed to have accepted the situation and moved on. How bad had he hurt Changkyun without even realizing it?

“I’ll message him tomorrow and keep you updated, okay?” He said, and Jooheon just nodded without really paying close attention.

How was he going to fix this?

* * *

  
Gunhee hadn’t texted Jooheon about Changkyun much after he started messaging the younger boy. He made comments here and there about how funny the boy was, and how they actually got along quite well. It was about a week or two after Jooheon had seen his friend that he was woken by a loud pinging coming from his phone. Normally he left the ringer off, but he must have forgotten before going to bed. Grumbling, he turned over and checked who would be texting him at…. Five in the morning?

 _“Where’s Changkyun?”_ A text from Gunhee read. Jooheon was instantly awake.

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Where is he? I’m scared he’s going to hurt himself._ ” Gunhee attached a screenshot. Jooheon felt nauseous.

 _“Fuck he’s not in his bed.”_ Jooheon was shaking. He didn’t know if Changkyun was in such a bad place that he would hurt himself, but just the thought made his blood run cold. He heard shuffling coming from down the hall and his heart jumped to his throat. _“I think he’s in the bathroom.”_

_“Hurry.”_

Jooheon left his phone unlocked on his bed as he rushed to the bathroom where the door was shut but had light drifting from the cracks.

“Changkyun? You’re awake?” He asked, hoping the fear in his voice wasn’t too obvious. When the younger didn’t respond, Jooheon felt bile creeping up the back of his throat. He almost sobbed when he heard a meek response.

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute,” Changkyun said from behind the door. The shower turned on a moment later and Jooheon thought his heart would give out with how fast it was beating. Less than five minutes later he heard the water go off and was met with a wide eyed Changkyun who was trying to sneak past him. “S-sorry if I took too long.”

“Nah, you’re good,” Jooheon’s eyes widened at the sight of purple and yellow coloring the younger boy’s torso. Swallowing thickly, he tried to reach out to him. “Are… are you good?” He mentally smacked himself for being so awkward.

“Of course hyung,” Changkyun said quickly – so quickly that Jooheon knew instantly he was lying. “Sorry if I was a bother.” He mumbled before rushing off as if a monster was hot on his heels. Jooheon stared after the boy, then stared at the closed bedroom door. He knew something was wrong, but he was afraid that it was too late to fix everything.

Changkyun was the only thing Jooheon could think about that day. He was off during practice, and when he was asked he gave some excuse that he was tired or dizzy. In reality, he was trying to watch the youngest and see if there were any signs. Gunhee had given him a list of things to look out for, and he was almost afraid to see one.

When he walked in to see the boy of interest still practicing when everyone else had gone to lunch was something that made a light go off in his head. He tried talking to Changkyun, but the maknae seemed too focused on his reflection to give the older boy much attention. Jooheon barely heard the conversation that happened between them. It was only when he caught the sleeve of the younger that his mind finally registered something.

“Why do you always flinch?” He asked. He didn’t meant to ask that, or rather, didn’t mean to ask it so abruptly. “None of us hit you or anything…”

“I almost wish you would,” Changkyun’s voice was so soft that Jooheon could barely hear him, even in the silent room. “At least then I’d know you see me.”  
Changkyun tore his arm from Jooheon’s grip and slipped out of the room, leaving the older rapper standing there with his jaw open. With shaking hands, Jooheon called Gunhee. This was way worse than either of them thought it was.

“What do I do?” Jooheon was on the edge of tears after he finished recapping what had just happened. There was silence on the other line, which meant Gunhee was thinking.

“You need to make sure he knows he isn’t alone,” he said finally. “It sounds like he thinks you don’t acknowledge him. Make sure he knows he’s loved.”

“I will,” Jooheon promised, already making plans for the morning. “Has he said anything else to you?” He heard a sigh.

“He won’t respond to any of my messages,” Gunhee sounded close to tears himself. “I keep trying to get him to talk, even just about his day… I know he sees them but he never… I’m scared. I barely know the kid outside of texting but what if he does something to himself? He’s never said anything outright, but god… some of the things he’s said are really, really concerning.”

“Do you think he’d actually… do anything?” Jooheon hated how his voice wobbled. He hated that he was being weak, when he needed to be strong to help Changkyun.

“I want to say no,” Gunhee said quietly. “But honestly I think he might if we can’t get through to him on time.”

“Shit…” Jooheon cursed, kicking a nearby wall. The sudden spike of pain cleared his head for a moment.

“I have to go,” Gunhee sounded hesitant. “Please try to talk to him again. Invite him to eat with you or something. Try not to let him be alone for too long.”

“I promise. We’ll take care of him.”

* * *

  
Hyunwoo was never very good with emotions outside of happy and maybe angry. He was never an angry person, per say, but he could handle the anger of other’s pretty well. That being said, having to confront Changkyun about his behavior didn’t exactly fall under ‘happy’ or ‘angry’ and the leader felt a little lost. He admits, he was never super friendly to the younger boy. On the other hand, he wasn’t all that friendly with the others either – it was them that were friendly to him and he just reacted to that. He wasn’t used to making the first move in a friendship.

“…either that or six feet under the ground. You’d probably prefer that, wouldn’t you?” Changkyun sounded close to tears, and it took Hyunwoo a second to process what he said. The older boy felt his stomach drop to the floor.

“Changkyun, what the fu-” Hyunwoo wasn’t one to curse, but he was caught so off guard that it just slipped out.

“Never mind hyung. It’s not important.” Changkyun all but ran away, leaving Hyunwoo feeling lost. He knew something was wrong with their maknae, but he hadn’t really seen any signs until then. His words worried the leader. Did Changkyun really think he belonged six feet under? Even worse, did Changkyun really, honestly believe they wanted him to die? Hyunwoo whipped out his phone.

“Jooheon you need to come here right now.” He said the second the rapper answered the phone.

“On my way.” Jooheon hung up without another word and Hyunwoo let himself sink to the floor. He only hid his face in his hands for a few minutes before the door was thrown open and a panting Jooheon all but collapsed next to his leader.

“Jooheon, this is worse than we thought.” He said simply, his heart breaking all over again.

“What happened?”

“I think Changkyun wants to die…” It was if all the air in the room had vanished, leaving the two boys gasping for breath.

“Y-you’re kidding, right?” Jooheon laughed nervously, silently begging for this to all be some sort of horrific joke.

“He said he felt he belonged under our feet,” Hyunwoo’s voice was monotone. “Either there or six feet under.”

“Shit-”

“Then he said we- that we would prefer that… he thinks we want him to die Jooheon.” Hyunwoo’s voice cracked, and so did his strong façade. The leader sobbed into his hands, not bothering to try and hide his emotions.

“Oh god…” Jooheon had never broken anything before, but he was almost completely certain that the pain in his chest would rival a broken rib.

“I failed…” Hyunwoo whimpered, staring at the floor. “I’m supposed to be his leader… someone he looks up to and trusts… he thinks I want him to die? He wants to die?”

“What are we going to do?” Joohoen’s voice was barely a whisper. It seemed all the strength had left him.

“I don’t know…” it killed the older boy to admit he didn’t know. He was supposed to be the leader – supposed to have all the answers – but he didn’t. He was just a kid too. They all were, and yet they were facing such adult things already.

“I’ll… I’ll try to talk to him,” Jooheon tried to sound sure of himself. “He’s been talking to me a little more lately. Hopefully I can… get through to him somehow…”

Jooheon stood and rushed from the practice room, leaving Hyunwoo to compose himself before the older boy followed behind. The whole way to the dorms, the rapper was thinking of how he was going to confront the other boy, but all that planning was shattered when he saw Changkyun already heading towards the door again.

“Changkyun, we need to talk-” He couldn’t stop the frustrated groan that escaped when his words were cut off by a slamming door.

No one saw or heard from Changkyun for hours. It wasn’t until he came back with Wonho and a container of half eaten ice cream that the other boys even knew he was alive.

“Changkyun, can you come here for a second?” Hyunwoo called him into the kitchen, and he could see how the younger boy tensed. He expected it to be a little awkward, but what he hadn’t expected was the boy to start apologizing. It hadn’t even dawned on Hyunwoo that Changkyun had been speaking to him disrespectfully. He was more focused on the fact that the short, shaking boy in front of him wanted to die. It broke his heart to repeat the younger boy’s words back to him, and shattered it even more when he heard a strangled whisper from the doorway.

“You don’t really think that… do you?” Minhyuk couldn’t wrap his head around it. Changkyun had always been so standoffish that he just copied the younger’s actions. It never once occurred to him that the maknae could have been hurting that much. Without thinking, Minhyuk wrapped the smaller boy into a tight hug, only tightening his arms when he tried to pull back.

This was all his fault, Minhyuk thought to himself. He could have prevented this if he had only been a better hyung – a better friend. This was all his fault. If anything happened to Changkyun, his blood would be on Minhyuk’s hands.

“It’s not true.” Minhyuk whispered. Even he wasn’t sure if he was consoling the younger boy or if he was fighting with the thoughts in his head that were bombarding him with images of a pale, blue lipped Changkyun.

* * *

  
Jooheon hadn’t been sleeping well. Ever since the conversation with Hyunwoo, all he could see when he closed his eyes was the younger boy in a casket, skin too waxy and body too stiff. Changkyun had gone to bed early that night, and Jooheon’s anxieties were spiking.

Lately, he would spend every spare moment with the other rapper. He would try to get him to eat more, or watch a movie or go for a walk. He was afraid to leave the maknae alone for too long – afraid that in the twenty minutes he was in the shower something horrific might have happened. When he finally settled into his own bed, only after checking on Changkyun, he found it hard to fall asleep. After what felt like hours, he drifted off.

_Jooheon heard water dripping. He tried walking towards the bathroom, but for some reason it was at the end of a very long hallway that just seemed to get longer the more he walked. He wondered why someone would leave the tap on. He had a sudden realization._

_Changkyun._

_Suddenly, the bathroom door was right in front of him. Jooheon threw the door open._

_Changkyun was sitting with his back against the bathtub. His lips were almost purple and his eyes were lifeless, the lids lazily covering only half of the dead iris. There was a rainbow of pills scattered around him, their colors washed out by the crimson that seemed to be leaking from the body of the younger boy._   
_Jooheon lurched forward and grabbed Changkyun, desperately trying to shake some life back into him but it was too late. Changkyun’s head lolled to one side, his eyes blankly fixed on the floor. Jooheon started sobbing._

_“I’m sorry….” He cried, pulling the younger boy to his chest. He cried into his hair, his whole body shaking. “Please… come back…”_

_“H-hyung?” Changkyun’s voice came from the doorway. Jooheon looked down and saw the body had vanished, leaving nothing but blood covering his chest and legs. “Jooheon hyung?”_

Jooheon woke up with a strangled sob. The room was almost pitch black save for a weak beam of moonlight that cut through the darkness. He didn’t register anything. Sobs wracked his body, the image of a dead Changkyun so fresh in his mind that he thought he was going to be sick. It was all his fault. He was too late. He couldn’t save him-

“Was it a bad dream?” A familiar voice said next to him. Jooheon finally registered a hand rubbing his back and the warmth on his side. He turned to look and he thought that he might possibly faint.

“C-Changkyun?” He whispered, afraid to wake up. He looked… alive. Changkyun was alive. He was alive and sitting on his bed. There were no pills, no blood, no lifeless brown eyes that fixed themselves on the guilt on Jooheon’s chest. “Oh thank god…”

“Do you want me to stay here for the night?” Changkyun sounded worried. He was worried for Jooheon? It was the other way around. The older rapper wrapped his arms around the younger’s waist and pulled him in close.

“Please…” His voice cracked from the tears that were threatening to fall down his cheeks again. “Stay…”

Stay with him for the night. Stay alive. Please, Changkyun… stay alive.

* * *

  
Kihyun was just planning on going for a short walk through the park, but when he noticed how low his phone had gotten the smart part of him told him to stop in at the dorms and grab his portable charger. He had planned on just popping in and heading out again until he realized the dorm wasn’t quite as empty as it was supposed to be.

“Please stop!” He heart someone shout from the bathroom. He knew that voice. He ran to the closed door and started to panic when he realized it was locked. He could hear Changkyun on the other side, gasping for breath and sobbing. He remembered what happened right after Hyungwon had relapsed, forcing his fingers down his throat. Kihyun had to pop the lock open with an old gift card that was nearby. Kihyun did the same thing then, jiggling a card in the lock, praying for it to pop open like it did before. Thankfully his prayers were answered and the door swung open.

For a moment before the door fully showed Changkyun, Kihyun was hit with a horrific thought. He had head Hyunwoo talking earlier, and knew partially what the youngest member was feeling. He felt his body go numb when he realized when the door finally swung open, he might be faced with something more scarring than anyone could even comprehend. It was the distinct lack of blood that made Kihyun freeze.

“Oh my god!” Kihyun couldn’t help but scream as he fell forward. He had never seen the youngest like this. He genuinely thought Changkyun was going to die and he felt his own lunch coming back up to say hello again. He tried to comfort the younger boy, but he kept pushing Kihyun’s hands away. The older boy thought for a moment that maybe Changkyun didn’t even realize it was him. He was just afraid and close to passing out.

Changkyun’s hands shot out and pushed Kihyun solidly, causing the older boy to fall back and hit his head on the sink. Kihyun didn’t even blink at the throbbing pain shooting through his head. He instantly sat back up and tried to reach for the younger boy again.

“Leave me alone!” Changkyun cried, his fighting becoming weaker and weaker until Kihyun was finally able to pull the younger boy into a hug. Changkyun struggled for a moment before letting himself sob into his hyung’s chest. The entire time, Kihyun was whispering nonsense comfort words to him, hoping something he said would finally get through. Finally, after several minutes, Changkyun calmed down.

“What do you think could have happened to me that would have needed more than basic first aid?” he asked, his voice still shaking but obviously trying to lighten the mood. His words caught Kihyun off guard, and he was hit with vivid images. Changkyun, sitting in the bathtub with arms slit so deep there wasn’t any more blood to gush out of them. Changkyun, throwing up hundreds of colorful pills until he collapsed and never moved again. Changkyun hanging from the fan, his lips swollen and blue, his eyes wide and screaming with fear-

“Let’s… let’s not think about that, alright?” Kihyun shook his thoughts away shakily. He looked down at Changkyun, who was still cuddled up against his chest and it really, finally, hit him. Kihyun finally realized how weak they were. How frail and… mortal they all were. They thought they were invincible, but in reality they could be torn down in an instant. He needed to save Changkyun before it was too late but…

“I don’t want your help,” Changkyun said coldly. Kihyun flinched back, and the younger boy noticed. Kihyun could see some sort of internal battle going on in his eyes, but before he could pull his maknae back into is chest and tell him everything was going to be alright Changkyun had stood. “Please hyung, I don’t… I’m going to bed now. Sorry for worrying you.”

Changkyun had pushed past Kihyun, who was staring after him, trying not to cry. Was he really too late to save Changkyun?

* * *

  
Things were better.

That was the first thing Jooheon thought when Changkyun came into the kitchen the next morning. The youngest was smiling and joking with them. He was hungry, the others not having to goad him into eating half a plate. Minhyuk didn’t say anything when Changkyun started eating his special cereal - something that gave Jooheon hope that maybe things really were getting better. The rest of the day was similar.

It was if all the tension in his body finally left. Jooheon could breathe again, and it was all thanks to Changkyun. Their family was going to be okay – they were going to be alright. Debut was coming faster and faster, their youngest was finally trusting them. Their manager even bought them takeout for lunch.

Jooheon felt like he was on top of the world, and with how the others were grinning and laughing, he knew they felt the same way.

Just as they were packing up for the day, Jooheon’s phone rang.

“Hey Gunhee!” He said happily. “You’ll never guess what happened today!”

“Something good I’m guessing,” His friend chuckled and he just laughed in response. “Anyway, I wanted to see if there were any updates with Changkyun.”

“That’s just it,” Jooheon couldn’t help but grin. “He’s doing great! He ate breakfast with us and was joking around during practice. He even dumped water over my head! It… it was like when we were together. Things are finally starting to come together Gunner. I have a good feeling about this.”

“That’s good to hear,” Gunhee said, his voice not matching his words. “I just… this is so sudden…”

“I know. It was like some sort of button was pressed overnight or something – not that I’m complaining. It was nice seeing the kid smile like that.”

“Hmm…”

“What’s that for?”

“Nothing,” Gunhee sounded lost in thought. “I just… something feels off.”

“Ah, I don’t want to think about that right now. I just want to focus on the good stuff.”

“Just keep an eye on him, okay?”

“Of course… I have to go, Wonho hyung looks a little shaken. I’ll talk to you later?” Jooheon caught sight of Wonho, who was looking at the ground like it had personally offended him. Gunhee laughed weakly on the other end.

“Alright, see ya around.”

“Bye Gunner,” he hung up and went to talk to Wonho. “Is something wrong?”

“Changyun just… he’s a strange one…” Wonho said quietly. Jooheon fought down the feeling of dread that had been threatening to spill out of his throat.

“Did he say anything?”

“Not really… he said he was trying to memorize everything, and when I said the mirrors would be the same in the morning he gave me a weird look.”

“What kind of look?”

“One that said he knew something but wasn’t going to say it,” Wonho ran a hand through his hair and frowned. “Something doesn’t feel right…”

“You’re the second person to say that.” Jooheon grumbled but didn’t explain. He decided he would talk to Changkyun after dinner. He didn’t want to make a scene of it, and talking to the other rapper in the comfort of their own room seemed like the best option.

Unfortunetly, Changkyun wasn’t up for talking. All through dinner he just sat and smiled at everyone. Jooheon thought he saw tears in his eyes, but figured it was a trick of the lighting. Changkyun was fine, right?

* * *

  
The day had gone exactly how he wanted it to. Changkyun wanted one perfect day, and that’s what he managed to give the others. Dinner was over, and everyone had retired to their beds. It had been a long day, and they were going to have another one tomorrow.

He felt a slight ping of guilt. He was going to make their day even longer, wasn’t he? He shook his head as he reached over for his phone. It was for the best, he reminded himself. They would replace him easily, and everything would be okay.

It was harder than he thought it would be, texting Gunner one last time. He had already written a short note for the others. Part of him wanted to ramble on and on, but it was actually fairly short. He placed it carefully on his pillow before going to the bathroom.

He carefully pulled out the little baggie that was in his hoodie pocket. He dumped the contents on the bag onto the floor and took a deep breath.  
Changkyun started with the pills. He knew he had enough – more than enough, actually – but he wanted to be sure. With shaking hands, he swallowed six. He couldn’t remember if they were the sleeping pills, or if they were from one of the random packs he had snagged off the pharmacy shelf. He used water from the sink to swallow the pills easier. He lost track of how many he took, but when the walls started to swim he knew it was time.

He faintly remembered how he felt about all the different methods of killing himself. Guns and cutting too messy, rope and pills too easy to survive. He had thought long and hard, and decided to meet in the middle. Half pills to numb the pain and half blade to make less of a mess. He had been quite proud of that reasoning, even if it didn’t make a lot of sense.

Changkyun didn’t care what made sense anymore.

With trembling fingers, he opened a new pack of blade. They were clean and shiny and lethal. Changkyun had been afraid of the pain, which is why he tried to numb himself as much as possible first. The thought that maybe he should have gotten alcohol or maybe icepacks to numb his arms beforehand passed through his mind, but they were quickly ignored.

Changkyun took one of the blades from the pack and tossed the flimsy cardboard cover to the side. He was too tired to think twice, so he dug the corner of the blade into his wrist and dragged towards his elbow.

The pain wasn’t immediate. It took a moment before an unimaginable agony caused him to scream out. Through his tears, he saw blood dripping down his arm quickly and staining his sweatpants. At the same time, he also knew the first cut wasn’t deep enough. With a frustrated cry, Changkyun took the slick blade in his other hand and tried to push down even harder. The blood already coating his hand and the blade made it hard to keep a grip on the small piece of metal. Just as he head started to drag the blade upwards – it was deep enough this time, he could tell. He could feel how the metal was almost completely sunken into his soft skin, just begging to be ripped open – a voice broke his thoughts.

“Changkyun! Please no!” The voice screamed. Suddenly, the blade was gone and there was a towel being wrapped around his arms. Changkyun didn’t know what was happening.

“What’s goin- FUCK-” more voices joined, but Changkyun was really, really tired. His cheek stung and he was able to open his eyes again.

“Don’t you dare fall asleep on us,” Kihyun snapped as he tried tying a towel around the larger wound. “What did you take? What did- _What did you take Changkyun?_ ” His voice became shriller the more upset he got, but Changkun could barely hear him.

“Fuck, sleeping pills… and a lot of them.” It sounded like Minhyuk. Changkyun could see him holding the empty bottle in shaking hands.

“Move, I know what to do.” Another voice said. Before Changkyun’s exhausted mind could connect who it was, fingers were being shoved down his throat. He tipped forward and threw up over the fingers, which only gave him a second to breathe before being shoved down his throat again, even harder this time.

“Hyungwon hyung he’s throwing up blood!” Jooheon… that was Jooheon. Changkyun thought. It took a moment for this words to register. Blood?

“That’s from my nails scraping his throat. There are more pills in his stomach though.” Hyungwon sounded calm, but there was a hint of hysteria to them. The fingers were shoved down his throat again and again Changkyun spat out half a dozen half-dissolved pills.

“The ambulance is on its way.”

“Why Changkyun?”

“I found something on his bed-”

Before anyone could say anything else, Changkyun passed out to the sound of a scream.

* * *

  
_I’m sorry everyone. I was never cut out to debut. We all know Gunhee deserved my place. When I’m gone, make sure he debuts with you. Please. That’s all I can ask. You are all going to do amazing things one day, and I’m sorry for bring you down. You don’t have to worry about debuting anymore. Or me. Goodbye._   
_-Changkyun_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess I lied! Instead of making one super crazy long chapter, I decided to make two decently long ones. Looks like we'll finally know what happens to Changkyun. I was also thinking of doing a split ending - one good and one bad - but I feel like it would mess up the flow of the story. What do you think?  
> Also, also, hit me up on social media. I love to cry over pretty boys anytime @25boyfriends on twitter *Finger guns*  
> Edit- I managed to fix the formatting lmao


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not always what it seems

_“We were too late…_ ” Wonho couldn’t think of anything else. He didn’t feel the wind whip against his suit jacket, nor the grumble of his stomach – he hadn’t eaten in days. Everyone was gathered around the casket, waiting for it to be lowered into the ground. He couldn’t remember anything that had happened after they found Changkyun in the bathroom.

“It’s time to go…” Hyunwoo said quietly. His eyes were rimmed with red, though none of them looked any better. Minhyuk hadn’t said a word since the incident, his usually loud voice locked away under the grief and guilt that was eating them all alive.

“We… we can’t just leave him…” Jooheon whimpered. Gunhee held his hand, trying to pull the boy away from the gravestone. The grass was already growing over the dirt and the flowers were long wilted. “He’s going to be lonely… we can’t just… we can’t leave him again.”

Jooheon threw himself to the ground, sobbing hard enough to gag. No one moved for a heartbeat. No one knew how to comfort the new maknae. How do you comfort someone when you yourself are being torn to pieces?

Wonho blinked, and things had changed again. He was so numb that he didn’t even notice the passing of time, it seemed.

“Want me to make you something to eat hyung?” Gunhee asked softly. When he moved into the dorm, he refused to sleep in Changkyun’s bed, so he had been on the couch for a few weeks now. No matter what the others said, he refused.

“Not hungry.” Wonho whispered, eyes never leaving the crack in the wall. He had make the crack when Changkyun had been taken away in a stretcher. He had punched the wall in anger and fear, breaking one of his knuckles.

“You haven’t eaten in days, hyung.”

“Not hungry…”

“Please…?” Gunhee sounded close to tears.

Their manager tried to get them to go to the practice rooms – said moving their bodies and focusing on something other than their unsurmountable pain would be good for them – but they couldn’t bring themselves to even consider the idea. Too many memories. They knew if they went, they would be haunted by reflections of Changkyun, working too hard and pushing himself to his limits because he never felt good enough-

Minhyuk still hasn’t spoken. Wonho didn’t know how long it had been, but the dorm felt eerily silent without the other boy’s loud voice bouncing off the walls. No matter what they did, Minhyuk refused to speak. His spirit had been broken.

Hyungwon did nothing but sleep. Wonho tried to get him to wake up and join them for meals, but one look at the other boy’s tear streaked face and Wonho decided to let him rest. At least one of them was able to sleep.

Jooheon couldn’t sleep. Any time he would close his eyes, he would be bombarded with images of his friend dying in his arms. The guilt ate away at him until he was huddling under his blankets at three in the morning, sobbing and clawing at his arms in an attempt to make it all stop. Gunhee did his best to comfort his friend but it was never enough.

Hyunwoo blamed himself. He saw the signs, but he had ignored them until it was too late. When the news that their debut had been pushed back again due to their loss, he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything. He knew he should be upset, sad, angry… anything, but all Hyunwoo felt was an icy numbness that seemed to paralyze him.

Kihyun seemed to be taking it the best. He did what he could to take care of the others, but it was painfully obvious he was just suppressing his own grief. He would make meals, do laundry, clean the dorms. He would bandage Jooheon’s arms when the cuts went too deep. He would rub Hyungwon’s back when the taller boy was hunched over the toilet, throwing up what little he managed to eat that day. Kihyun did his best to keep everyone from breaking, but he himself was already so broken there was no point in trying anymore.

Wonho watched his family break apart, and there was nothing he could do about it. It seemed the dorm was either filled with sobs, or heart wrenching silence. They hadn’t even debuted yet and he had to give interview after interview about what happened to Changkyun, and it made him want to scream. They made him want to shout in their faces that ‘This was all my fault’ and ‘I don’t know how much longer I can handle the guilt’ but he didn’t. He gave the same, scripted answers that he was told to give by Starship.

He sat down heavily on Changkyun’s bed – untouched since the last time the boy had slept there – and buried his face in the pillow. It still smelled like the younger boy, as if Wonho could reach over and pull him into his arms and protect him from the world. Wonho hadn’t been able to sob in a long time. Now just silent tears ran down his face with a vengeance.

“Hyung?” A ghost called his voice and the tears ran faster.

“Stop…” He moaned, unable to listen to the memory of Changkyun’s voice.

“Wonho hyung, why are you crying?” Changkyun’s voice came again and Wonho couldn’t help but hiss out a chuckle. There really wasn’t a god, was there?

“Wonho hyung?” Changkyun’s voice seemed to come from right next to him, and Wonho was seconds away from finding out what it was like to die, just like Changkyun did. “Wake up.”

* * *

  
Wonho sat up with a scream caught in his throat. Hands were on his shoulders, but when he tried to fight them off he found his body was too heavy to move. He couldn’t see anything through his tears but a familiar voice was whispering in his ear.

“It’s just me,” it was Hyunwoo. “You need to wake up, okay? Kihyun brought some food.”

“Where-?” Wonho didn’t know where he was or what time it was.

“We’re in the hospital,” Hyunwoo’s eyes were rimmed with red again, but he was smiling? How could he be smiling? The world was ripping apart at the seams. “Changkyun, he’s-” Wonho jolted up and ignored how the walls spun sickeningly. He tried to stand, but Hyunwoo stopped him with a gentle hand. “Hold on Wonho, you’re still out of it. I’ll help you to his room.”

“His… room?” Wonho felt like there was cotton behind his eyes. “Why can’t I think?”

“They had to sedate you…” Hyunwoo slung one of Wonho’s arms over his shoulder and helped the other boy walk down the hall. “You were… hysterical when they brought Changkyun in. The nurses thought you were a danger to yourself. You’ve been out for about a day, give or take.”

“A day?” Wonho repeated slowly. “Wait… the hospital? Chang- what happened to Changkyun?” He tried to run, but his hyung held onto him tightly.

“He’s okay Wonho,” The older boy breathed, unable to believe it himself. “He woke up about twenty minutes ago.”

“He’s….” Wonho’s knees gave out. He heard footsteps rushing towards him but he couldn’t see anything through his tears. “He’s okay… he’s alive. Changkyun is alive.” He repeated over and over to himself, trying to believe the words.

“Hyung!” Jooheon cried and threw himself at the older boy. He sobbed into his shoulder and Wonho instinctively wrapped his arms around the younger boy.

“Where is he?” Wonho asked, barely able to focus on the faces of his band members surrounding him.

“They’re running tests now, but they’ll let us in to see him soon.”

It was a strange sight, seeing six boy hovering impatiently outside of a hospital door. They were blocking most of the hallway, but when the nurses caught sight of their fresh tears – how they seemed to hold on to each other as if letting go meant unraveling completely - and let them be. It felt like hours before the door finally opened and they stumbled inside.

Changkyun sat up in the hospital bed, pale but otherwise very much alive. The doctor gave the scrambling boys a fond smile as they all but tackled their youngest.

“Careful now, he’s still recovering,” The doctor said softly. Instantly the boys backed down like dogs being scolded. “Now, I’m sure you’re eager to have some time with your friend-”

“Brother,” Jooheon cut the doctor off. “He’s our brother.” None of the missed how Changkyun inhaled sharply. The doctor nodded and continued, a smile on his face.

“Your brother then, but I wanted to give you a little information,” Everyone leaned in more. “Whoever wrapped his arms and made him throw up the pills most definitely saved his life. Without those measures he most likely would have passed on the way here. Now that he’s awake he’ll have to go to see a psychologist, but after that – if he’s deemed mentally stable – he’ll be able to return home…. By the end of the week?”

“Thank you doctor.” Hyunwoo said, ever the father of the group. The doctor smiled and left the room, allowing the seven boys to be alone. No one knew what to say. Each of them had a novel just on the tip of their tongue, but no one wanted to break the silence first.

“I’m sorry…” Changkyun said softly. Everyone jumped at the youngest boy’s voice. It was raspy from having his stomach pumped and wavering from the tears that were obviously trailing down his cheeks. No one breathed for a moment, until the spell was broken by Jooheon throwing himself at Changkyun.

“You _idiot_!” Jooheon sobbed into the other rapper’s chest. Changkyun did his best to wrap his arms around his friend, but the bandages and IV made it difficult. “We- we almost lost you! Don’t you ever scare hyung like that again or I swear to god I’ll… I’ll beat you up.” Jooheon was a blubbering mess, his threat about as serious as a kitten’s hiss.

“I’m sorry hyung,” Changkyun’s voice was still soft, but he was smiling. “I… I’ve been trying to think of a way to explain myself but everything I’ve come up with makes me sound… pathetic.” The final word was no more than a whisper and everyone tensed.

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Kihyun say on the edge of the uncomfortably cramp hospital bed and placed a careful hand on Changkyun’s knee. “And never, ever think you’re pathetic, okay?”

“I can’t promise that…” The resignation in his voice broke their hearts.

“You are not pathetic,” Wonho sat on the other side of the bed, careful not to squash the two boys. “No matter what your head tells you, you are the farthest thing from pathetic.”

“Please-” Changkyun seemed to choke up. He sniffled and took a deep breath, looking at the worn hospital blanket. “Please don’t hate me.” The following ‘anymore’ wasn’t said but everyone in the room knew it was implied.

“Never,” Jooheon buried his face in Changkyun’s neck. “We could never hate you.” He muttered over and over, trying his hardest not to cry.

As small as the hospital bed was, Changkyun thought it was the perfect size for seven boys to crowd into.

* * *

  
“Are you hungry?” Kihyun asked for what had to be the fifth time in ten minutes. Part of Changkyun wanted to be annoyed, but he could see how genuine the effort was. It warmed his chest knowing how much they actually cared about him.

“No thank you hyung,” He said with a smile. “I’m still full from the lunch you brought to the hospital.” He had just been released and he hadn’t had a moment to himself since. Not that he minded all that much. He actually preferred being surrounded to being alone with his thoughts or with nurses and doctors who cared, but not in the way he wanted to be cared for.

“Hey Changkyunnie, are you up for a visitor?” Jooheon asked hesitantly. Changkyun didn’t know who would be there to see him. His family had moved to LA due to his Father’s job, and outside of Monsta X he really didn’t know anyone else. Their manager had already stopped by to see how he was doing and to drop off some sugary sweets that normally would have been off limits.

“Um, I guess?” he responded, raising an eyebrow. Jooheon grinned widely and practically ran out the door. “Who…?” He trailed off, but Kihyun looked just as confused as he felt. Within moments Jooheon was trampling back to the door, this time with a familiar figure behind him.

“Gunhee?” Changkyun couldn’t help but say in surprise. Gunhee smiled at the younger boy and gathered him into a hug.

“Glad to see you Changkyun,” He said, his voice soft. “I was worried- but everything seems to be working out.”

“It’s good to see you too?” He didn’t mean to phrase it as a question but he had only really spoken to the other boy once, back before he had been eliminated. Recognition bloomed in Gunhee’s eyes as he realized why Changkyun was acting so awkward.

“Ah, I should really introduce myself,” He said with a lopsided grin. “I’m Gunner. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“G-Gunner?” Changkyun choked on the air. He never thought his friend would be someone so close to them. “I- I… It’s nice to meet you too.” He finally finished lamely.

“So this was the person you were always texting?” Wonho chimed in. He had been quiet since Changkyun had woken up. The others had a feeling it had something to do with whatever he dreamt while sedated but no one wanted to push him.

“Um, yeah,” Changkyun was still trying to connect the boy in front of him to the friend that had tried to talk him through everything. “Gunner, I’m so sorry-”

“No apologies,” He put his hand up to stop Changkyun. “I didn’t come here for an apology. I came to hang out and steal some of the candy Jooheon slipped about having.” That caused Changkyun to laugh loudly. Everyone jumped at the sound, but quickly joined in.

“Fine, no apologies, but I should really say thank you.”

“For what?” Gunhee asked, tilting his head to once side.

“For saving my life.” Changkyun said quietly.

“I didn’t-”

“I’m guessing you were the one to tell Jooheon hyung to check one me, the night I tried to kill myself.” The roomed tensed at how easily Changkyun said those words, but Changkyun felt he had the right to be blunt about what happened.

“I was,” Gunhee didn’t even try to deny it. “I happened across your twitter one day and I wanted to see if you were okay. It didn’t hurt that you’re extremely easy to get along with.”

“Thank you…” Changkyun sniffled before hugging the other boy again. He buried his face in Gunhee’s neck as the other boy chuckled lightly and hugged him back.

“Anything for a friend.” He said lightly. Suddenly, the pair was being hugged from every angle. The eight boys stood there, holding their youngest in the center.

“Guys,” Changkyun said, trying to push them away. With obvious grunts of denial, they just hugged him tighter. “Hyung if you don’t let go you’re going to make me pee all over the floor.”

“Ew!” Jooheon jumped back with a laugh. The others followed suit, letting Changkyun breathe properly. Hyunwoo ruffled Changkyun’s hair.

“You go pee, but hurry back. Jooheon managed to find a copy of that new horror movie online and he wants everyone to watch it together.”

“But that movie is still in theaters?” Changkyun had a feeling what Jooheon was on the slightly more illegal side, but the thought made him grin. Hyunwoo sighed but didn’t other fighting his own smile.

“Yeah, yeah it is,” He rolled his eyes and shooed Changkyun towards the bathroom. The youngest laughed and went, the fact that Hyungwon just happened to be walking in that direction didn’t escape his notice. He figured in a few weeks it’ll get a little old, but right then he actually liked how much effort they were putting into keeping him safe, even if it was safe from himself.

Changkyun didn’t comment on how he could see Hyungwon’s feel outside the door, or how the lock was missing, or the bright white bleach marks right where he had been sitting. He washed his hands quickly and saw the feet leave then the sink turned off. When he opened the door he saw everyone in the living room, already crowded together and waiting for him.

He made his way over to the gaggle of boys and settled down between Wonho and Jooheon, who had made a very obvious hole for him. He didn’t remember anything about the movie – the only thing he could remember after was how warm his chest felt.

* * *

“Is it true that you…?” A fan trailed off, looking down at her hands. IM looked up at her with a soft smile.

“That I what?” He asked, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. She sniffled a little and messed with the hem of her sleeve.

“That you tried to k-kill yourself?” She whispered, her voice breaking with unshed tears. Changkyun felt his stomach drop. Though there was never an official statement, people noticed how he only ever wore long sleeves and connected that to some things he let slip in interviews. His eyes fixed on her fingers, still messing with her sleeve, and he saw pink lines crisscrossing over her skin and suddenly her question made sense. Painful, heart wrenching sense.

“Sometimes, when we feel the most vulnerable and scared… we do things that are scary. We do things that scare those around us and we don’t realize the kind of impact we have on those who care about us,” He took her hand and gently rubbed his thumb over where he knew there were marks on her wrist. She tensed but didn’t pull away. “But the important thing to do is remember that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t death. It isn’t pain or suffering or sadness. It’s the love that comes from your family. It’s the hope you can give them, and that they give you back. It’s happiness and fun and memories that will keep you smiling years later. It’s never giving in and… it’s learning to forgive yourself. That’s the hardest part but trust me, it’s one of the most important things you can do for yourself.”

“Thank you,” She wiped away the tears that had started to flow freely down her cheeks. “Thank you so much…”

“No,” He smiled at her and offered her a tissue from a small pack they had on the tables. “Thank you. Your strength has given me strength in return. I hope to see you again someday, alright? So keep fighting until then.”

“Until then.” She grinned, and for the first time since laying eyes on her, Changkyun saw true hope in her expression.

“What did you say to her?” Jooheon whispered to him after the fan had been ushered through the line.

“Just… what I was told, a few years back.” He said cryptically as he rubbed the old scar on his arm – almost gone over time. Jooheon saw and let his face relax.

“I’m proud of you Changkyunnie.” He said warmly, letting the short sentence express everything he was feeling.

“Thank you hyung.” Changkyun didn’t need to say anything else.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is really the end. I like to think I'm clever, adding both good and bad endings while only have one solid ending overall. I know it's probably not what a lot of people were expecting but I thought it was smart.  
> I tend to write what I want to read, so check back often. There's bound to be something new up every few weeks. I'm playing with the idea of an Astro/VIXX vampire thing, or maybe just a plain crossover because I love both bands and there are never enough crossovers.  
> Thank you for reading through this mess!


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